Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
