Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Every concussion has its silver lining
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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