The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
