You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
