definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
