note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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