my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
