My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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