Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize