Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
