I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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