peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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