woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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