dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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