Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
