A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
