I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
