So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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