Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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