ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
