I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
