Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize