I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
