im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
