Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
