Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
