someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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