I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
