I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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