I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
