Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
