I'm laying in your front yard are you home
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I deserve this hangover.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
