I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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