idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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