What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
it's not cheating when I paid for it
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Couch. On fire.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
