Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this boner is exhausting
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
