If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
