So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I could make wine with my vomit
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
