apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
