She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
