you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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