I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just gargled with NyQuil
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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