Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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