my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
