It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
