New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
not ubering you a puppy
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
