I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize