She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
