i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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