True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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