I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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