i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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