im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
