She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
