this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
