my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
try to milk me bitch
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