went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
