I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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