i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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