I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
