If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
