i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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