I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
