dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
