Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
