I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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