You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
