I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize