I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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