Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
